Hold Hands, Not Grudges

If you're mad at someone, just let them know.

The idea of transparency can save time, frustration and even relationships. Why drag on a conflict if it is only waring you down? There's not point in suffering one more moment if a simple discussion can fix the issue.

Courtesy of Tumblr.com/knittingunicorn

Holding grudges is fun. You have control, or at least you think you do. You feel entitled and empowered because someone has wronged you, but feeling in charge will get you no where.

If the world was perfect, as soon as conflict would arise, the two or more parties would fix it immediately and go on living. Both would be wiser from the encounter and would know what actions to avoid for next time. However, we don't live in a perfect world.

We lived in a fundamentally flawed one.

What is the point in keeping silent and allowing anger to rise up inside of you? Does one think that the feeling of empowerment will last forever? Because it won't.

In all my experiences of being upset with someone, if I held on for too long, one of two things would happen: I would forget what I was fighting about and just have a negative feeling toward someone forever or I would realize that what I was angry about for so long was completely useless and I would feel ashamed.

I have felt that shame a lot. When I was younger, I was incredibly dramatic. Still am, but only when it won't really hurt anyone or any friendships. But as I've grown older, the idea of holding a grudge reflects a lack of maturity and appreciation of human kind.

We're all people. We all make mistakes, whether we know it or not. If your problem with someone is situational and not a chronic issue, address it with the person. Perhaps they didn't even know they messed up. They will continue living without a care and you will let the pressure burden you and the empowerment to enslave you.

If you heed my advice and choose to resolve the issue immediately, do so in a rational fashion. No one likes to feel attacked. That empowerment you felt is invisible and won't protect you from losing an argument, looking like a fool, or even worse, getting your jaw busted. Don't go Dr. Phil on someone, but just treat the matter in a way that you would want it to be treated if you were on the receiving end. The Golden Rule.

Keeping grudges will keep you alone in your head. Learn to forgive, not forget and live a stronger life. http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/lauren-xenos.html

If you come up to someone with a chip on your shoulder and an attitude of apologetic entitlement, you're going to look like dolt. Being patient, understanding and empathetic will get you far.

The next time someone angers you, don't go to Twitter. Don't go to other people. Address it calmly and immediately. Fix it and go one with life. Too many people fight for no logical reason.

Remaining hung up on trivial matters makes one look like a simpleton. You're better than that.

Let it go and live.

Outging: Extroversion 2.0

I generally fall under the classification of an extrovert, but today, I've only talked to two people in person and, for some reason, I felt ok with that.

I don't fear being trapped in my mind, it's just that the world is a better place when my ideas are let loose.

Just to be clear, extroversion should be defined as being energized by interacting with people and the feeling of depression or fading energy levels when alone.

Last night, I was under the club lights, my head was buzzing and I was in a giant mob of people. I Loved it, as I usually do, but after a while, I started getting disgruntled and decided to step out.

I found myself across the street, on a second-story balcony. Watching as the drunken college students roamed the streets and stumbled on the sidewalks, the contemplation of me finally maturing and taking a step out of the blacklights crept into my mind.

Am I actually getting too old for this? I'm only 22...

Eventually, I wandered through the crowds and made my way to a group of friends. This notion may be an overarching metaphor of what's going to happen with me in the next year. I'll rage, depression will kick in, cryptic thoughts will enter my mind and I'll then catch my second breath and go back to the party.

I Love the vibes I get from the weekend crowd, but lately the "drama" of it all has been ruining it for me. Drama, in this situation, should be defined as anything related to personal agendas, exes, he-said, she-said nonsense, people who over-analyze social situations (in a negative fashion) and physical confrontation. Honestly, I wouldn't hate the latter of those options because, at least then, the energy would still be there.

Yep. I'm freaking Tigger.

I'm growing tired of having to entertain. If that feeling is going to happen to me, I want it to be when I have a guitar in front of me. There are hidden expectations of a crazy time that are tied to me and I fear that I won't live up to them. Nothing is worse than having a houseful of people making me feel like I'm not doing enough to keep them happy.

I thrive on people. I thrive on energy. I thrive on positivity. Give me those three things and I can be anything anyone wants me to be. The life of the party. Crazy. Outgoing. Risk-taker. I just need positive attitudes!

 Part of me misses the simplicity of the partying lifestyle that came when it first started in my life. There were no expectations and the crazy situations just rolled right in. I wish I could do that again, but at times, I get so wrapped up in trying to make sure everyone else is having a great time that I shut myself off to the spontaneity of the surrounding world. Saying yes to strangers. Drinking just one more. Cutting a girl's hair and putting it in a drawer. These are all things that happened because I wasn't worried.

Sometimes, forgetting to smile and not get worried (insert Jimmy Eat World music video) gets me down. I'm down with that.

From here on out, I'm going back to extroversion-like ways. I'm going to wear my personality on my sleeves and ditch the dramatic kids in the dust when I go out. I'm going to take up any offer that comes my way on the weekends, even if it does present a sort of danger. I'm not ok with not talking to people.

My weekend life is about reaching out to others and going crazy with strangers, not worrying about who is dancing with who or where so-and-so went.

I'll worry about that stuff Sunday morning.

Love Where I Am; Love Where I've Been

I can honestly say that I was blessed to grow up in the generation that I did.

Besides all the wonderful, yet cliche, 90s kid stuff, I grew up with a dream. A dream that was fueled by music and a crowd in front of me. Not only that, but I was able to satisfy that dream, to an extent.

And let me tell you, I may not know the true meaning to life, but I know that feeling has something to do with it.

On nights when most kids were either at basketball practice or studying their time away, I was sitting in my room with my guitar, dreaming, praying to, one day, play my songs (or In Our Suffering's songs) in front of thousands of people.

I desired this not for the material reasons, but because I know that the songs I was writing alone, in my room with my unplugged guitar and a notebook, were coming from my heart and fingertips. These songs may not be Top 40 hits, but they would surely mean a lot to some kid going through the same stuff.

"You will remember this day."

Even now, I find myself fretting and picking with my guitar at my waist as I stand in guitar power stance in my kitchen. Seriously though, the way the kitchen light shines, it makes it look like a stage light and I Love it. I still get the same goosebumps that I did when I was 16, having practice with my brothers. Make fun of me, I don't care. That feeling is phenomenal and I only wish you too could feel it one day.

No feeling will ever compare to that of playing live and seeing people you have never met singing along to a song, not because it is incredibly good, but because they've see you play live so many times that they have started to enjoy your act.

I still have my dream, but it's not the same. I'm older now. Perhaps too old. I had my chance and now it is some other kids' chance to play.

I take issue with the fact that these kids have no one to look up to anymore. They have no more local heroes or venues. The dream is fading fast and that scares me.

We live in a day in age in which kids compete for likes instead of working together to get a local show together. Go ahead and go to your Myspace, log in and listen to some of the bands you were friends with back in the day. Basque in their perfect imperfectness. That's not what you get today.

I urge any kid who has a guitar, drum kit or a mic and a damn dream to band together and make it happen.  It's worth it.

It's worth the hassle of setting up a show. It's worth having a band member not show up to a concert and you having to fill in for drums. It's worth having your band and dream destroyed by an ex-girlfriend.

Honestly, I believe in a sense of karma and emotional equality in every action we do, but my years playing guitar, on stage, left me with a credit of happiness.

Despite it ending and my vision being shot down in flames, I can still close my eyes and see all my memories play out in front of me and get the same butterflies I had that day.

For that very reason, I am the luckiest kid in the world.

I lived out a part of my dream.

Pick Me Up and I'll Never Let You Down

I am the unread book and you're the reader trapped in the library.

Who am I to you? Am I a stranger or am I close friend? Have I ever done anything to change your life for the better or for the worst? If not, then let me.

There are so many individuals out there with distinct, unique stories. I want to tell mine to someone new; someone who may understand what I have been through and why I strive to be who I will be one day.

I'm nostalgic. I'm progressive. I learn from past failures. Even though I long for what I have, I know that I can never get comfortable anywhere because the idea of settling down for good scares me to pieces.

My life is an open book and I'm ready for any person to pick it up.

Tell me about yourself. That's all I want. I want to hear your story.

I've never been much of a reader, but I've always been a listener.

You know when you're reading your textbooks and you realize that you went through an entire paragraph and didn't retain one word? Now picture you telling the story of your life and someone picks up their phone and starts texting, or interjects without any empathy to you. This is how the book feels. Worthless. Like your story isn't worth this person's time.

"I should go to bed, but I'll stay up until whenever 
if you want to talk."

Trust me, if you talk to me, I will never let you collect dust. I'll never let your pages fade or weather.

There's something magical about having someone pay attention to your every word. Not just your words, but the inflections in your voice when you are really adamant about a topic; the change in tone that only the greatest authors can portray in writing.

If you're out there reading this and you have never gotten to know me, put a bookmark in this page and let me read into you a bit more.

I'm sure there's a masterpiece within you. 

There's Hope in Them There Bands

I'm putting a lot of faith in the reunion of Fall Out Boy.

When the band was at its peak, I never truly appreciated what they were doing for the music scene. I was far too obsessed with 80s hair metal at the time and it really closed my mind to anything new. However, this time around, my mind is an open notebook and it is ready to be filled.

This could become a revival. The music scene has become stale and repetitive, which isn't bad if it's Friday night and you're nine drinks deep, but when you're scanning the radio, songs about only living once and staying up until 3 a.m. don't quite speak to you.

Introduce a little change. Upset the established order, as the Joker would say. Bring bands to front of the airwaves from Sunday to Thursday, from 9 a.m. to 9 p.m. and you will see a rise in identification with modern music.

["And when it rains, Will you always find an escape? Just running away, From all of the ones who love you, From everything."]

When Fall Out Boy started blowing up Fuse and MTV, I didn't understand the appeal, but now I see what they did. They gave a voice to the generation that felt misunderstood, screwed over or just bored. Their clever hooks and upbeat melodies brought optimism and the music videos gave a narrative that could told a real story and could be followed.

Now, I would like to state that I enjoy the music of today. There's a time and place for the songs that play constantly on the airwaves, though. Every day and anywhere is not proper for many of the acts. As a musician, I try to find appreciation in every style of music, and I have. Lil Wayne is clever. Skrillex is creative. Lady Gaga puts on one hell of a show.

"These words are all I have, so I'll write them."]

What's missing? Someone who embodies all of these at once.

While in high school, there were bands. Not boy bands. Not rap groups, but actual bands. Avenged Sevenfold, Paramore, A Day to Remember, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, Green Day ... the list goes on and on, but one thing is for certain, these acts will stand the test of time. One may call them angsty, but I call them personal and I'm not saying that modern acts will be forgotten and aren't memorable, but they will certainly be labeled as "throwbacks" and obsolete very soon after their heavy rotation by weekend DJs is up.

The bands mentioned previously embody something much more. They're personal. They are situational and speak to an individual. Favorite songs by an artist aren't always the singles! They're the songs that you listen to when you can't sleep because you're thinking about someone or that song that hit you just right and came into your life at the perfect time. Those songs stick with you on a daily basis. Songs about only having tonight are fundamentally flawed because we have more than tonight. Any sober mind can see that.

Most of the time, bands aren't on major record labels and they can create a sound that is unique and experimental. Today's Top 40 songs can be sung by different artists and it won't mean anything different. The lyrical content of bands, like Fall Out Boy, is timeless because they can resonate with someone on any given day.

Most importantly , to me, these artists offer live shows that you want to attend while sober. One would want to embrace the sounds and personalities of the band, not just get lost in the lights.

["This band will stand the test of time."]

There's a chance. There's hope. The optimism for modern music to have meaning once again rides on the shoulders of those who also have a guitar strapped around them or drum sticks in their hands.

I'm so excited for the release of Fall Out Boy's "Save Rock n' Roll." I pray that it will do just that ... Save rock n' roll. Time to bring back long hair, lyrics in notebooks and songs that mean something.

It's time for a takeover, because the break is over and there is once again hope in the music industry.

Celtic Pride Alive in Ohio

I'm not ridiculously big into sports, but if you have ever met me, you would know that I am a Boston Celtics fan.
My fandom started five years ago when the Cavs lost LeBron James and I needed a team to root for. My pal Brian was into the Big C's, so I decided "What the hell, may as cheer for the team that beat mine in past years."
It hasn't been the best of times being a Celtics fan, though. With the departure of Ray Allen and season-ending injuries to both Rajon Rondo and Jared Sullinger, I thought the Celtics were done.
I thought wrong. They are only just heating up.
Since Rondo's ACL injury, they are 4-0. Despite these wins coming from teams who are sub-par or plagued with injuries, they seem to be showing signs of life.
["I can feel it coming in the air tonight."]
Earlier in the season, Paul Pierce was not playing to his best ability. He has never been much of a defender, so I expected him to give up some points, but when his shots started falling short and his field goal percentage began to trail off, I was scared that the Truth was getting old. I didn't think he had it in him.
However, with the Rondo injury came a revival in the team's captain. Doc Rivers gave the team to Rajon at the beginning of the semester, but now, Pierce is back to palming the team. With this revival in responsibility, he has taken command and has begun to heat up.
As for Kevin Garnett, there was never any doubt in my mind that he was going to continue putting up double-double numbers each night. He plays with such tenacity, pride, aggression and skill. His time is not over with.
He takes a breather midway through the first quarter and then hits the floor later to rebound and drain turnaround jumpers that I can only trust in him to shoot.
One aspect of the Celtics that goes unappreciated is their depth. The Celtics bench puts up just as many points as their starters on any given night. Jason Terry, Barbosa, Green and Lee are the fire the C's need to keep up late in the game.
Garnett and Pierce aren't old, but they can't play as many minutes as they used to. Their bench is as good as any other .500 teams' starters. This is where the Los Angeles Lakers have failed. They rely on Howard, Kobe, Gasol and Nash to do everything. As soon as one goes down, the whole team falls.
They've managed some success recently, but that will not last if they don't build better chemistry and cohesion. You can't just throw big names at a team and expect them to succeed. Look at the Celtics; they have grown together and work together, not against each other. As evident earlier in the season, the Celtics have each others' backs. Rondo, Bradley and Garnett are feisty and will destroy anyone who attempts to undermine or cheap shot their teammates.
That pride is what will keep the C's alive. They have heart. They have respect. They play with tenacity. Their skill level may be a bit diminished with the absence of Rondo, but they still are a solid team that should not be counted out.
They may not win it all this year, but when Sullinger matures and heals, and Rondo hits the floor once again, the league better be scared. Doc is experimenting with different lineups and I'm liking what I'm seeing. The Celtics will look different next year, but they'll look even better.
As a Celtics fanatic, I'm excited for the future. I'm still excited for this year. I'm still excited every time they hit the floor.
Just because they're injured, doesn't mean they aren't strong.
The Celtic pride is very much alive.

Blame It On The Weather

Let's just say that I'm feeling a little empty inside. I have no biological support system, my best friend is gone and I am getting mentally abused by people who are supposed to be my equals. I'm showing signs of physical dysmorphia. No matter how hard I try, how much I work out, how much I diet, every morning, I look in the mirror and absolutely despise what I see. One may think this normal, but it's becoming extreme. I honestly will see an added 20 or 30 lbs. that other people don't see. Some days it is better. Some days it is worse. However, it's usually always there. Deep down, I know I likely look fine, but I cannot push the mental block in my head out of the way.
"You're despicable. How the hell do you have a girlfriend? Your face and stomach are so fat, you shouldn't even go out in public. You're a disgrace." These are some of the things I subconsciously tell myself. This depression has gotten to the point where I want to do something physical about it, but I know cutting is not wise because it leaves scars and gets people talking. That's not what I want. I don't really want attention. Starving myself is an option, but I don't want to be weak and I've seen what it has done to family members. My outlet is working out incredibly hard. Forcing myself to lift for inane amounts of times. If I don't workout and run 5-6 times a week, my self worth is shot. I feel completely awful.
My birthday was this past week and let's just say I never really handle birthdays all that well. I'm just getting older. There's no excitement. Everyone around me is settling down and moving on with their lives. Their energy is being drained. I'm beginning to come to grips with reality. My life will never be as fun/exciting as it once was. That sentiment alone makes me want to hide away forever. I guess this is growing up.
["If letting go means true happiness for you and I, then I'll release you forever to save our lives. Against my will. But I will never forget you and what you've done to my life."]
There's no sunshine in my life right now. I look out the window and the world is gray. I feel nothing. And when I do feel some sort of emotion, it is negative. I write songs to cope, but then that sacrifices other time that I am supposed to using to finish a completely ridiculous task. I need to make very big changes in my life if I want to get back on the right track.
The same mechanisms I used to help me deal with emptiness are now the ones causing the voids. I used people to fix my depression, but now those people are gone. They've moved away. She's got her own life now and I can be cast aside. My best friends have been my family. Now that they seem to be fading away from me, I feel no sense of belonging. And this isn't some cool, rogue, "lone ranger" feeling. This is an emptiness. I feel no one understands my way of living.
I feel that no one out there feels as strongly as I do about anything. I am an emotional person, but I don't let my emotions make me look crazy. They make me the exciting person that I am today. But people have condemned me for my personality. I'm immature because I give everyone and everything a chance. I'm silly because I try new things.
I try to be a rock for each individual. Getting to know people is one of my most favourite things in this life. However, society deems that creepy and abrasive. In a way, it is more acceptable for me to seek out sex from a stranger than a lasting friendship. I just want to talk to someone.
However, one ray of light is shining through: I still have my faith. I have faith that this will all get better. I still believe in God. I don't care what anyone's religion says or is, this is just a way for me to keep my head up.
But it's hard to keep your head up when so much is weighing on your mind. Looking over the horizon isn't as exciting as it once was because I have no one to commentate with. I have no one to plan with.
I miss you all. Everyone I have ever come in contact with. Anyone I have ever had a heart-to-heart with. My world feels empty.
I would do anything to have a late-night conversation. The feelings I am dealing with now make my lifestyle miserable. I wake, hate what I see. Go to class, try and succeed and get made fun of. I am unappreciated. I walk home, with my head down. I sing out loud as a form of comfort, only to get glared at by the stranger I didn't know was there. I go to bed. Alone. Only to repeat the cycle the next day.
How long can I keep doing this? How long will the clouds keep covering the sun? Please, let the sun shine through. I meant to be something more than how I feel.